I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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