Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
