I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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