Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
