How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
