I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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