i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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