So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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