Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
