He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize