Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
