I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize