fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
