Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
