So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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