How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Panties = found
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