Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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