Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
