I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
