did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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