I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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