I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
