you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
