i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
the raccoons are back...
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