I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
