I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize