I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
