I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
