she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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