obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
