You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
