i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
