Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
