billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
