I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
