Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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