my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
