Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize