my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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