I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I need to stop coming to work sober
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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