We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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