3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
