she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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