im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
