mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
