I faked an abortion last night.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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