we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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