K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
