I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
