1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
