Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
