I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
