i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
