i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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