when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
