ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
