the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Randomize