we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
