Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
