STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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