omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
