You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Randomize
