we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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