I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
