he looks like a really good dad on facebook
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
