i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
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