the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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